remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
