some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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