apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
