Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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