i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
