Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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