i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
