i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize