I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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