Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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