Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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