Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
