I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
