Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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