the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize