Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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