Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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