I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
