Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
