There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
