We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
