Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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