Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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