My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
