someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
