Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
