a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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