my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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