i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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