Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
