I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I looked at my own cervix.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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