if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh god the rape fog is back!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
