Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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