i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
