dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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