it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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