$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
