I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
