remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize