you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
