I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
