I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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