The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
