Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i think i just lost a toe
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
