i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
