I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
