I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
