you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
