last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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