god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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