but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
