i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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