I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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