apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize