Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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